You know sometimes, it feels hard to be a graduate with honors from one of the top universities here in the Philippines. You know why? Because people expect a lot from you. And when you have not met their expectations, you feel utterly useless, and dumb as well. I have tried my best to be a good daughter and what I get is all the negative criticisms making me feel un-human. For crying out loud, I’m just a person, I make mistakes too. In other words, I am not perfect and one important thing, I am not a GOD.
It is like I’m not doing anything right. Is this what you call the middle child syndrome? Am I a black sheep in the family? I know that I am certainly not the black sheep in the family even if I’m the legitimate middle child. And now, all I hear from them is “How can you get a job if you’re like that?” I seldom got appreciations from them, words such as “I’m proud of you.” All I hear is WRONG! Even if they asked me to do something for them, and then they were not contented with the outcome, it does not give them the license to put me down hard on the ground. They’re my family! They’re not my boss and I am not their slave. I felt that I am not appreciated. The only time that I saw them smiling was on Graduation day. And where was the moral support when we had our thesis? All I get is “You’re not doing your thesis. All you do is go out.” And they do not understand that going out was just a means for relaxation, not rebellion. It’s like they were thinking that I’m doing drugs when I go out. It’s as if I committed a grave crime.
If I drink alcohol outside, I become bad in their eyes. If I drink at home with some friends, they think I am already alcoholic, which is not. They also think that I am solving my problems with alcohol which is not. I know my limitations. Of course, there was a time when I got really wasted before but I already learned from it. I know when to stop drinking and I am not the type who constantly craves for alcohol.
I guess they want me to come back to my old self. The daughter they knew that the idea of having a time of her life is just going to a nearby McDonald’s while eating there with some friends. That is so High School. It’s just one of those days when I was a person that does not go out to the mall and have some sticker pics taken and put it on my wallet. And my definition of social life before was confined in the four corners of our classroom.
I guess for them, “Change is not inevitable”.